What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:41
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is soul school!.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What are you struggling with in your life? What would you like to have instead?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was scared of men, in general
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im still living with it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I will be 64.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
I was 9 years of age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
Would this be the day?
Ive learnt so much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My life is so biszare .
So whats the point in blame.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
The only rule us 5 kids had .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What did i know ?